You’re watching TV in bed, picture-perfect women are on the screen eating lunch together, laughing and sharing their innermost thoughts and you find yourself wondering “what is true friendship in adulthood?”. Is it having a group of friends like this? should I be spending more time with friends in person? am I doing friendship wrong?
Pop culture and social media have a way of telling us that we are living life incorrectly, or that we’re missing out. As we get older and our lives get busier our circle tends to grow smaller and we might ask ourselves “what happened to all of my friends?”
This post is all about what is true friendship in adulthood?
What is True Friendship in Adulthood?
As we get older what we require from our relationships shifts. When we’re young our main concerns are likely whether or not we fit in and if we like to do the same things. As we age we’re still looking for friends who share similar interests but we are also looking for things like shared values, trust, compatibility, and flexibility.
Fruitful friendships can form when we’re young but not everyone is that lucky. Maybe you’re like someone (i.e. me) who prioritized drinking and “fun” when you were younger, making a lot of performative friendships, very few based on actual compatibility. One day you wake up and you’re in your 30s wondering where is the Rachel to my Monica? and why don’t I have a Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda to brunch with on weekends?
You spent so much time building friendships around shared interests (like drinking) that you forgot to build friendships based on shared values (like independence, social justice, family, or education). True friendship in adulthood is about connecting on something deeper than a hobby, but making friends as an adult can be difficult.
Why is it Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?
Priorities
For many of us, aging comes with more responsibilities, whether it’s caring for elderly family members, raising children, or giving our all to a career. We become less concerned with where we’re going on Saturday night and more concerned with finding the time to just stay in and relax. In essence, our priorities change! and that’s great.
However, we’re also consumed with the idea that we “don’t have enough time” and we end up brushing off friends telling them our calendars are too full. Like any relationship friendships take effort and commitment on both sides, investing in friendships will require making friendship a priority. Sure, adulting can be hard and schedules are complicated but luckily we have tools like doodle poll that can help us (corporate millennials rejoice!).
Values System
As we’ve discussed… this is the big one! As we age our values change and that can sometimes leave certain friendships feeling sticky, especially if you didn’t consider this when you originally began the friendship. When we feel as if we’re living out of alignment with our values it can create a lot of unsettling feelings and even chaos in our lives. This feeling often appears when someone is stuck in a job that they hate, but it can show up in our relationships as well.
If one of your values is compassion or helping others and you’re friends with someone who always wants to gossip or has something negative to say, that friendship isn’t going to feel good. The great thing about being a human is that we have the agency to say no to the things that don’t make us feel good! Now before you take this tip and run with it let us be clear: sometimes we have to do difficult things and/or things we don’t necessarily want to do for the greater good of ourselves and others. What we’re saying is that when your intuition is telling you something doesn’t feel right, when you believe you are acting out of alignment with your values, when a friendship or situation is creating more harm than good you absolutely have the right to walk away.
Life transitions
It’s natural to grow apart as we enter new phases in our lives, not everyone is fortunate enough to have friendships that last all the way from grade school to their 30s. A big reason friendships sometimes end is because we’ve moved across the country, maybe a parent passed away and some friendships grew distant or we have little ones we have to care for. Not every friendship is meant to grow with us into the next phase of our lives, not every friendship can handle that transition, it’s okay to let go if you feel like your paths are no longer crossing harmoniously.
How to Make Friends in your 30s
We’ve established that it’s okay to grow apart from friendships that no longer serve you, and we know that making new friends can be difficult. So… how do we do it?
Let’s go back to your values, this is a great resource for determining what your values are. Once you have that sorted you know what to ask and look for when meeting new people.
Tips for making new friends in your 30s:
1. Open yourself up to the possibility of making new friends
Set your intention. Write it down in your journal, add it to your vision board, make your intention known and clear and be ready to receive it.
2. Download Bumble
Seriously! the app was intended to create platonic connections before it became known as a dating app. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there in a new way and seek the friendships you’re looking for.
3. Join a class or start a new hobby
You need to actively put yourself out there to meet new people and chances are your people are where your passion is. Rather than putting pressure on making friends follow your joy. Maybe you’ve always wanted to try pottery, or there’s a local social justice group you’ve been meaning to join. Whatever it is that excites you, do it! your people will follow.
4. Lead with your values
As you begin to put yourself out there and meet people ensure you’re leading with your values. Similar to dating, people have the tendency to say what they believe people want to hear instead of leading with their truth. Trust your intuition, speak your truth and lead with your values, this is how you build authentic connections.
Friendship Resources
Friendship in adulthood is a sticky topic! and we’re not the only ones talking about it. A lot is covered in this post but if you’re still wondering what is true friendship in adulthood? check out these great resources on the subject and stock up your toolkit:
- Coach Carey’s post on Adult Friendships: Life coach and motivational speaker Coach Carey talks about what key things to look for in your adult friendship.
- Big Friendship: How we keep Each Other Close: This co-authored book by the hosts of the late “Call Your Girlfriend” podcast Aminatou Sow and Anne Friedman get real about what it takes to sustain a long-term friendship.
- Shaping the Narrative – Big Friendship, Maintaining long-term friends, and Friendship VS Relationship: The host of this blog Leanna and her friend Ashley chat about the Big Friendship book and their personal experiences with the maintenance and loss of long-term friends.
So, What is True Friendship in Adulthood?
Friendship in adulthood looks like compassion, flexibility, and having shared values. It’s about having a friendship that feels reciprocal and one where you can have difficult conversations about your relationship. Friendship in adulthood is knowing that you both have the emotional capacity to evolve together, and most importantly, it’s about having a friendship that feels in alignment with you and your values.
This post was all about What is True Friendship in Adulthood?
Thank you so much for reading this blog post by Sipping on Gratitude a personal growth and development blog. If you’re looking for more resources, check out this blog post!
- Top 5 Self-help books for breakups (Friendship breakups feel similar).
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